Nothing happens for a reason. There is no cosmic significance for why shit in our lives takes place and there sure as fuck is no such thing as soul mates. I’m a fool. I am a wannabe hopeless romantic and a complete fool. You know what happens when you give someone your heart? They crush you. I will never give someone that power over me again. Never. Where do you go form the bottom? How do you crawl back up?
You may find yourself depressed, in a bad mood, feeling like shit. And you know what we’ve all been there. Someone once asked me why is it that sometimes when you’re sleeping with someone it’s never more than that? That when you see a romantic comedy things always find a way of falling into place for them, but rarely in real life? I couldn’t really answer that, I am by all accounts, and quite clearly not God.
I’ve had a lot of sex in my life. Some meaningful, and most not. But why is it that seemingly every time I find someone I care about or begin to develop feelings for someone it always blows up? Why is it that each and every time I allow myself to wonder what it would be like to be in a meaningful healthy relationship with someone it falls apart? Idk maybe it’s just me. Perhaps I just give off the aura of a guy just looking to have fun. Who knows. For some reason when I finally found someone that I really couldn’t imagine my life without, here I am completely alone. Again. Maybe it’s just meant to be.
It’s not supposed to be like this anymore. You’re supposed to fall in love. You’re supposed to find the person you’re going to be with. And yet here I am floundering about not having an utter clue. I won’t pretend it’s just me. I’m not that stupid nor that vain. I just thought that eventually, especially now, that if I felt a spark I so seldom feel with someone that would be the cue for this to be something fucking spectacular. And yet, here I am, back at the start. No closer to the finish line and wondering what’s it all about again. Dating’s hard. It is a game. A lot of times you trick yourself into thinking that if you’re just fucking someone that it’s fine it’s what you want. But deep down, you know you want more. So I am not going to do that anymore. No more lying for me about what I want. No more fucking bullshit anymore. There comes a time when I think we are all fed up with the games, the bullshit, and the nonsense and you just say enough. It’s time to get to a place where I’m truly happy. Or you’re truly happy.
I’m not sure what has changed in me. Maybe I’m just a sucker. A fool. Maybe the belief that everything happens in the first place is just stupid. Who knows? At the end of the day it’s a nice thing to believe that your life falls into place and everything makes sense sometime. I think for me, whether I care to admit it or not, I’ll always believe in fate, in soul mates, in love. Because really who doesn’t want to believe in those things? Who doesn’t want to hope against hope that something magical can happen to us? Go big or go home. Love big or not at all. Put yourself out there in the hopes that the worst thing you can get is a broken heart. I’ll tell you I’ve felt more alive these past two weeks then I have in a long, long time.