For now she will remain nameless but she has certainly been scribed about in this blog. A person whose opinion I greatly enjoy and appreciate recently gave me a list of 30 things (29.5) that she needs in a man. Take a look and enjoy!
1. Do not ask to kiss me (for the first time.) Thats just awkward and kills all desire for it to happen. Great things happens naturally not awkwardly in a parking lot after dinner
2. Please pay. No I’m not a gold digger but remember you are trying to woo me. And when I offer to pay please don’t hesitate like you would at a crosswalk on a busy street.
3. Save the sarcasm for the third date. It’s fun to shoot the shit but not before I know if your joking or not. I may end up thinking “is this guy for real?”
4. Don’t say you’re trying to quit smoking. Because you probably arn’t really trying all that hard if you’re talking about it and I see a pack of cigarettes on your kitchen counter.
5. Don’t tell me that you get excited when your mom does your laundry. Keep that a secret for at least 6 months into the relationship.
6. Don’t pretend to be straight when you are actually gay. You are old enough to come out and society won’t care.
7. Don’t dress better than me. Better yet don’t think you dress awesome because you get your clothing from Express. Keep that a secret for awhile.
8. Offer some sort of drink when I come visit. I don’t care if it’s water. At least offer something! That’s common courtesy.
9. Call when u say you’ll call. Or don’t bother saying you will. This is the foundation of any relationship. And honey, no house is gonna get built without some cement down there.
10. Don’t cancel plans last minute. Yes, emergencies happen. Sitting on the couch drinking beer with a buddy is not an emergency enough to cancel. So sorry I just ruined MNF.
11. Respect your mother. Do not refer to her as a bitch or any other term no matter how mad you are at her-err scratch that, I don’t need to know you are mad at her until wayyy later in the relationship
12. Speak highly but vaguely about your ex. Do not bash her or call her crazy. You probably made her act that way at some point. Its not our fault 90% of the time. Relax, you still get that 10%.
13. Exercise. Do you need a six pack? No. Do you need to enjoy taking your ass off the couch? Yes. Breaking a sweat in the dead of winter is ok and skiing is pretty damn fun too so you should try it
14. Personal hygiene. Enough said.
15. Laugh. Laugh at my stupid jokes and laugh at yourself. Tell me the dirty office joke, I won’t be offended. I may come back with a dirtier one
16. Don’t live with your parents (duh) you have a job and can support yourself….you do have a job? Right?
17. Please don’t cut your own hair. I don’t care how good you are at it. That’s cheap and weird to admit to a woman. Go to a damn barber if you need to save the extra money
18. Drink wine. It makes you feel oh so good. It’s hard to blackout on 3 glasses of wine but 3 or 4 is all it takes to have a pretty great night
19. Leave your baggage at the door. Yes men have baggage or as they probably call it, “shit that bothers me but I don’t want to talk about”. Well figure it out or forget it. If your best friend died in an unfortunate accident 5 years ago I’m sorry. But don’t let that make you incapable of feeling any emotion ever again.
20. Just go to Vegas and get it over with already. Get that zipper unzipped as much as your little heart desires while you’re there. THEN date me.
21. Stop pretending to make plans with me a month in advance. If we’ve only known each other for a month then it’s a strong possibility you either won’t remember those so-called plans or we will no longer be speaking. Plus it freaks me out.
22. Cry after watching Marley and Me. Then I know you might just have a soul.
23. When you are lucky enough to finally hook up with me, remember that I have boobs. They are there and it is ok that you are interested in them. I question your manhood I you don’t bother with them. It doesn’t matter if you are a self proclaimed “ass guy”.
24. Compliments. Too many is wierd and none at all and I feel like crap for spending so much time to look nice for you. The art of balance. Figure it out. Ask your mother.
25. Calling me ‘babe’ or ‘baby’ within the first week of dating will make you seem like a 21 year old. It will not get you laid either.
26. A positive attitude goes a long way. We all have shitty days. But when every day is a “shitty day” according to you and all those people you work for are “assholes” it only brings me down. I deal with 6 year olds, you’re going to whine to me too?
27. Keep the road rage to a minimum. I know this is asking alot of a man, but I can’t help but slightly fear for my life while I am helpless in the passenger seat and you feel the need to seek revenge by riding the guys ass in front of us and laying on the horn. I am embarrassed as well. Probably also ducking down at this point
28. Don’t late-night call. I will not come over to “hang”. If we’ve been dating for a year that’s different, but don’t you dare try that in the first 1-6 months. Been there, done that. You really want to see me? Come here. Oh But you’re really comfortable on your own couch? Next!
29. Do not share how drunk you were last week or the time you got arrested or the time when you got really lucky that the cop didn’t give you that DUI. Those stories make me want to cringe and run away…fast.
30. I feel like there should be a #30……hmm….idk..clip your toenails but please for the love of god….don’t paint them.